Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Op-Ed: Pardon Moi?

Today’s Polite World, Explained

By Amber Sutherland

I missed the deadline for my final paper. What can I do?

Don’t let a silly thing like gross academic negligence stand between you and your well-deserved A! Make like Cher in the hit '90s film Clueless and finesse your way into finally achieving a minimally acceptable GPA.

I have overheard many students taking the old “you didn’t get my email?” approach. This is always ill advised because your professors know that, for the most part, the Internet works. It will also barely help you squeak by, affording six hours, at the most, to have a languid dinner out and return home to “re-send” your paper. This is not enough time to write the brilliant essay you know you’d be capable of, if only you would apply yourself.

I also advise against the classic just-not-showing-up-to-class tack. Guess what, jerk? Your paper is still late! And your professor is not going to believe you were suddenly stricken by a mean case of the 24-hour plague, you filthy liar.

However, everything is negotiable. We are approaching the only time of year when a bribe can come cleverly wrapped in the guise of a gift. My understanding of these academic types is that the only thing they enjoy is reading. Find a nice rare or out-of-print book in your professor’s field and send it along with a little note. “In the spirit of the season, let’s forget the nastiness of my missing paper,” or “I ho-ho-hope you give me an A” should get your point across. This not being the 1960s, veiled suggestions of gifts of a sexual nature are not recommended.

Lately many celebrities are going pantiless. Should I do the same?

It is important to emulate celebrities in every way possible. The very famous have achieved greatness and the admiration of the people through hard work, talent and a certain inexplicable bravado that makes a young woman throw modesty to the wind when stumbling out of a limousine or bending over just a little too far to check out a guest list.

While I do think you should make the majority of your lifestyle choices based on those of celebrities, like marrying haphazardly or worshiping alien ruler Xenu, the traditional reason for going pantiless is obsolete. Thanks to great strides in panty technology, women no longer have to go without intimate apparel in order to avoid unsightly and very offensive panty lines. Try a thong, a boy short or almost any style in lace for a pantiless look without the commitment.

If you’re considering going pantiless to garner some quick attention, don’t forget your trip to the spa. You should also wear a very high heel so as to elongate the leg, and a garter belt never hurts. Remember, in all of your pantiless endeavors, it will be harder to sell out later if you give it away now.

Send your bribes to

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