Thursday, December 28, 2006

Fake News: Holiday Greetings from the Cheneys!

The Cheney Christmas Newsletter!

Merry Christmas from the VP and me! For our family, the holidays are a time to cozy up by a roaring fire with the ones we love: our daughter Elizabeth and her husband, Mary and her roommate, and that nice man Dick knows from Halliburton who insists on bringing us some special present every year. And as we sit sipping our cocoa, looking forward to a new year and all it will bring, I always enjoy thinking back on the events that made the last one so magical!

Let’s start with the biggest news first: Mary is expecting! Yes, before long there’ll be another little Cheney scampering through our lives. We’re not sure who’s more excited, my husband or me; Dick adores children, and I know he’s looking forward to teaching a little one all the wisdom he’s acquired as the man who secretly makes all the decisions for the most powerful country in the world. Yesterday, he even asked Mary if she had considered naming the baby Richard! Imagine that—a tiny, smirking Dick Cheney, Jr.!

Mary has always been very shy about her personal life, so we haven’t met her beau yet, but we’re sure he’s very nice. And we don’t even mind that they haven’t tied the knot. We’re just glad she’s found someone, after thirty-seven years—which isn’t young, even nowadays. Of course there are a few rumors flying around about this and that, but we assure you, those are lies, lies, lies! After all, nobody knows a girl like her mother.

Dick hasn’t had the best year of all time, but as he always says about those brave boys fighting for democracy: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! Things got off to a rough start when he confused a quail with a trial lawyer and shot one of them in the face—I think they call that a Freudian slip! Then there was that nasty little incident when he told that senator from Vermont to “f---” off, and it got caught on tape. Well, we guess the second most powerful man in the world is allowed to say things like that now and then—it’s just too bad he doesn’t use that language with me anymore! No, since his latest bypass, being naughty has been too much of health risk for the VP.

Some of you reading this are probably wondering: what do we think of the mid-term elections? Well, we couldn’t be happier! Our lives don’t revolve around politics, y’know (Dick has his fantasy football team, and I have embroidery and mystery novels). All it means is, since Dick has no intention of ever cooperating with mamsy-pamsy liberals, there’ll be a lot less time spent at the office. It’s like getting a head start on being a lame duck—uh-oh, I hope Dick doesn’t shoot himself in the face! Ha, ha!

And as for little old me, 2006 has been a year with plenty of time for quiet reflection. As I travel further into the autumn of my life, I sometimes think about the crazy twists God offers up to his lambs. After all, I’m just a normal, Christian, Midwestern woman who married her high school sweetheart, then over the course of thirty years, watched him devolve into depths of greed I could never imagine. So funny how things turn out!

So, we wish you a very Merry Christmas! And a Happy New Year! And to please, please pray for our souls!

Lynne Cheney

P.S. Don’t forget to contribute to the Americans for a Republican Majority PAC!

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