Thursday, December 14, 2006

Arts: Music: Ali Lohan, Lohan Holiday

Ali Lohan, Lohan Holiday

By guest reviewer Lindsay Lohan

Hey bitches, it’s me, Lindsay Lohan. I’m guest reviewing my sister Ali’s kick ass Christmas album, Lohan Holiday. But, like, you can totally listen to it, even if you’re Jewish, or Kwanzakin or whatever. This album is so great, and not just because I sing a track on it. This album is great because it makes Christmas cool again. The second track, “I Like Christmas” opens with an electric guitar, so it’s kind of taking a punk rock approach to Christmas, which I think is like really edgy because Christmas is so not usually associated with electric guitars. Some asshole on iTunes said that Ali’s voice sounds like a chipmunk’s, which is so not true, and I would like to see that assweed sing an entire Christmas album. I bet he couldn’t. Besides, once she starts smoking her voice will totally drop like mine did. Don’t worry though, Ali covers some classics too, like “Winter Wonderland,” but she makes it totally fresh-sounding with a backing track that sounds like something you would hear on the game Dance Dance Revolution, which I am so good at and I totally beat Nicole every time because a minute into it she starts swaying and stuff and says she has to “sit down and drink some water” (we don’t talk anymore). Ali’s cover of “Jingle Bells” is inspiring because when it starts it doesn’t even sound anything like "Jingle Bells," and you’re thinking, what the hell is this? But then she starts to sing the chorus and you’re like, “OMG, it’s 'Jingle Bells!!'” The next track, “Groove of Christmas,” has a funky '70s beat that reminds me of my hit single “Rumors” because Ali sings in a sultry style, “Let’s get in the mood for Christmas/I can’t wait it’s almost Christmas” to really intense drums and then her voice gets all electronified like Justin Timberlake’s on “Bye Bye Bye.” We asked Justin if he would collab on this album, but he said he was busy so I was like, whatever. The money track, “Lohan Holiday,” has a special appearance by moi, but you can barely hear me on it because the night before I was at the Chateau (that’s industry talk for Chateau Marmont) singing karaoke with Damien Rice and Yoko Ono and my voice was shot by time I got in the studio to record this thing. The only thing about this album that isn’t so awesome is “Silent Night,” which is a track that my mom gets in on. She doesn’t even sing. She like, quotes Bible verses. I was all, “MOM, why do you always have to impede on our independent creative voyages?” And then she was all, “Lindsay Morgan Lohan, do not talk to me like that, I am your mother,” so I was all, “Oh yeah, then why don’t you ACT like it for once, BITCH!” and she was all like, “OMG, I can’t even believe you, you are being such a brat!” and I was like, “WHATEVER, IT’S MY LIFE!” and she was like, “I wish you would get back with Wilmer, he was such a positive influence,” so then I said, “MOM, STEP OFF. YOU DON’T KNOW ME, MOTHERFUCKER!!!” And I guess that about covers it. Happy holidays! XO, Lindsay.

Rating: A million times better than anything Paris has done. Britney too.

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